How about that snow?

It’s so beautiful in the beginning, but now we have to contend with the melt and the mess.

Phoebe is moving some stuff closer to the front door of her apartment – my stuff. I’m on the outs and it looks like I’ll be couch surfing for most of January. Thank God for friends. It turns out this was a long time coming but with the holidays we thought we could make it through without dealing with us, but that isn’t the case. Instead, it was impossible to avoid. I’ve been busy boxing my things and silently navigating around her small apartment so as not to run into her. We’re both trying to think of the bad things right now, the reasons why we need to be apart. It’s hard but necessary.

I am bitter about one thing though. She changed the password on her Internet connection so I’m having to go to the internet café to get on-line. It’s disgusting back here and I’m sure the stains on the chair next to the door are… you know, some guy’s stuff.

What caused this breach? I’ve been thinking a lot about this and I believe it’s much like how a relationship begins. We do little things that draw us together: kindnesses, soft words, thoughtful looks, etc. Often these things are forgotten, as we build our relationship around larger history: meeting friends and family; weekends away; anniversaries and holidays; new sexual experiences; etc., but the little things are weight-bearing effects of one’s affections and when they aren’t re-enforced they crumble. The looks change and have a tinge of malice, the words grow harsh, and kindness is taken for granted.

I can remember the joy I felt when it first starting snowing this year. I can remember the amazement of the amount and how I felt myself safe as it lightly swirled around me. Now I see it’s changed. It’s a dirty mess that is heavy to move through and the rain may be speeding us to greener days but now it’s leaving me cold.

New Years is coming and a new start. I have high hopes for the coming year and believe within every part of myself that Phoebe and I will be friends, one day, once we have time to hate, forgive, and then remember the feelings of peace, similar to those brought on by newly falling snow.

~JB