Phoebe dragged me to her staff Christmas party Friday night, hosted by her manager and his wife. As soon as I got there I broke the handle off the toilet, so when you wanted to flush it you had to lift the back lid, which no one seemed to do.

As if I’d do that on purpose, the bloody thing just broke off in my hand!

This set the tone for the evening, and it was looking like I was going to be ‘that guy’ when this arse named Todd made all the rest of us look like tea-toddlers. You know the people who get completely obliterated and become Christmas legends? This year, her new co-worker Todd must have been nervous because he drank a small bottle of Jack Daniels before he arrived and another when he got there and then went straight for the wine and then beer – my beer! By 11:30 he was hosed. He ended up puking in the kitchen sink and at that point, with the toilet the way it was, he just pulled up a chair and went at it.

As everyone knows the kitchen is an integral part of any successful party, but who’s going to hang out in a kitchen when there’s some guy filling the sink with partially digested hors d’oeuvres and the Spirits of Christmas: Jack Daniels, Shiraz and Lager, are counting down the twelve days.

I got blamed for him in the kitchen, but the party went on even with him there, and if he were stuck in the bathroom, it wouldn’t have been much of a party, and they wouldn’t of appreciated us using the sink as a toilet.

Either way, when Todd’s mom and dad came to take him home, it was the look on his mother’s face: a mix of anger, love and embarrassment, that inspired me to write The Twelve Rules of Christmas Parties.

Todd’s mom and dad seem to be good people, and I don’t like it when bad things happen to good people, it isn’t Christmassy.

Needless to say, I didn’t enjoy seeing him in such agony either, but I relish the thought of his misery when he returns to work Monday. After all, he did steal my beer.

The Twelve Rules of Christmas Parties:

1. Don’t steal ANYTHING!!
2. Don’t burn the furniture or set anything on fire.
3. Don’t wear anyone else’s shoes if you need to go outside. Yes, I’m talking to you!
4. Don’t have sex at the party… maybe a quickie in the bathroom is okay though.
5. EAT the day of the party and drink lots of water.
6. Try not to spill your drink or anyone else’s drink, and if you do, don’t just grab the closest thing to soak it up. Couch cushions are never an option! The host/ess may not appreciate your good intentions.
7. Don’t look for more food in their cupboards, or just start eating stuff from their fridge without asking; I was told it’s bad manners.
8. Try not to break anything, especially the toilet, but if it’s unavoidable… your on your own.
9. Don’t hit on people when the person they are dating, seeing, or living with, are next to them, which leads to the next rule…
10. Don’t start fights.
11. Don’t decide it’s a good time to break up with someone. It’s not, especially if you’re their date and you don’t want to leave the party.
12. And for God’s sake, don’t get so drunk your mom and dad have to be called to take you home!

I’m trying to save you here, so feel free to post these if you feel it necessary, or make a copy and carry it around with you so you don’t forget. I have mine neatly tucked in my wallet for my staff party tonight.

Merry Ho ho!

~ JB